Today, I feel TERRIBLE. I got in a car accident last week that produced a flair that makes me want to fold over, crumple on the floor, and stay there. FOREVER. I'm weak, in a hell of a lot of pain (like, Vicodin and Soma ain't working kind of bullshit so you can stop taking pills because why kill your liver for no reason and just take it like a woman level pain), and yet here I am- at work.
I'm lucky enough to have an office job that allows me some flexibility regarding my daily start and end hours (as long as I work 40 hours a week) so if I need a little extra time in the morning I can take it. Where I can sit and do menial tasks when I don't feel up to do doing Boss Lady level work, but how long will I be able to hold this down? What about the other people with Fibromyalgia who aren't so lucky? Who are sentenced to poverty because their syndrome doesn't allow them to work a normal job and disability benefits are laughable, if you can qualify for them that is.
I know self-care is important, but with chronic illness, where do you draw the line? I have always been passionate about being able to eat and pay my bills on my own, and to do that- you have to work. But I am also learning that pushing yourself too hard will only set you back - and I feel like this puts me between a rock and a hard place. So you find something that gives you balance and you think, god damn I am SLAYING IT... until the next flare knocks you on your ass- but the ability to keep going makes you strong, right?
I'm sure if I thought about this while feeling "well" (or my version of 'well' anyway), I would be less pessimistic. More proud of my accomplishments. Better able to express the intricacies of your relationship with responsibilities vs. self-care, but I'm thinking about this now, while I feel like utter and complete shit, and this is what I've got. Now I have to read old posts I and others have written that celebrate the challenges of living with something like Fibromyalgia, something that never goes away and will never get better and how it made them better people. How it made them realize how strong they were and how they are better people because of their struggles. Because crumpling on the floor and staying there forever isn't necessarily an option.
*This post was originally featured on our Founder’s personal (discontinued) blog, and was copied to The FSC Blog with full permission.